


Helpless

by sangha



Series: I'll Find My Way Back to You [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Cuddling, Established Relationship, First Time, Hand Jobs, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Post-Civil War (Marvel), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Wakanda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-18
Updated: 2016-10-18
Packaged: 2018-08-23 06:42:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8317762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sangha/pseuds/sangha
Summary: Bucky wants to stay, partly because he’s too tired to go back to his own apartment, but a much bigger part of him wants to prove that this is something they can do. That they can spend the night without any major fuck-ups along the way, like normal people do.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is a one-shot sequel to [It Will Come Back](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7820812), which you don't have to have read to follow this story, though it does reference the first part a few times.

Bucky is curled up on Steve’s couch, sleepily watching a movie with Steve. He’d picked _Bambi_ because Steve is a sentimental shit and he wanted to watch a movie he actually remembers from the old days. Also, he loves Disney movies - not that he’d ever admit that to anyone but Bucky. 

It was a little disorienting at first. Bucky vividly remembers him and Steve going on a double date with two girls who ditched them after dinner. They still felt like going to the movies, so they went. Somehow, sitting here, watching that movie again, it seems both forever ago and like it only just happened. Of course, back then he wasn’t pressed up against Steve’s side, Steve’s arm thrown around him.

It’s a lazy day for both of them. Bucky had a session with Dr. Ngeme yesterday and though he doesn’t feel terrible today, he still doesn’t feel like doing much. Steve seems content to just sit and watch movies with him. 

They’ve settled into an easy rhythm, though it’s not quite the same as it used to be. Aside from the added romantic aspect to their relationship, other things have changed. Bucky is not much of a talker anymore, not even on his good days. Steve, for his part, has hardened. His beliefs are as strong as ever, but there’s an edge of jadedness, a hint of bitterness that wasn’t there before. Bucky sees it in the way he moves, hears it in the way he talks. There’s a kind of resigned feeling to everything he does, like he knows he’s fighting a losing battle. Not that it ever stops him from fighting. At least that’s still the same. 

In a way, it’s a good thing. Bucky doesn’t think he could handle the pure idealism, the untainted belief in the good of humanity. War has changed the both of them, and they’ve been fighting wars for a long time. 

It means some things can be left unsaid. They’ve both seen and done things they’d rather forget. Bucky sees his own pain reflected in Steve’s eyes sometimes and though he wishes Steve had lived a happier life, he’s glad to have someone with him who understands him better than anyone else ever could. Their lives are strangely symmetrical, as if the universe couldn’t bear to tear them apart, even if it meant they both had to suffer as a result. 

But in moments like these, none of that really matters. Bucky is struggling to stay awake, he almost drifted off a couple of times already. 

“You wanna go back upstairs?” Steve asks as soon as he notices.

Bucky shakes his head. “‘s nice here,” he mumbles. Going upstairs to his own apartment seems like a gargantuan effort right now and not remotely worth the trouble, considering how comfortable he is right here. He burrows further into Steve’s side to make his point.

“Just cause I _can_ , doesn’t mean I’m gonna carry your ass upstairs when you’re asleep,” Steve says.

“So don’t.” He doesn’t have to look at Steve to know that he’s looking at Bucky all wide-eyed and worried. 

“Buck,” Steve begins, but Bucky cuts him off.

“Unless you want me to go?” he asks. It’s a genuine question, not an accusation. Bucky wants to stay, partly because he’s too tired not to, but a much bigger part of him wants to prove that this is something they can do. That they can spend the night without any major fuck-ups along the way, like normal people do. 

“No, of course not.” He gently pushes Bucky upright so he can look at him. Bucky makes his most determined face; he knows Steve is scanning for any signs of doubt. “Still not carrying your ass anywhere,” he says, apparently satisfied with what he finds. 

Bucky huffs. “As if you’d pass up an opportunity to show off. You know they make shirts in size L right?” 

“As if you’re complaining,” Steve counters and he’s right, of course. Some days the thought of Steve in a stupidly tight shirt is enough to get him out of bed. 

Bucky leans in for a kiss. “You got me there, big guy.” It’s an old nickname, from when Steve was still small. It was a private thing between them - Bucky wouldn’t want anyone to think he was making fun of his friend - and it still is now. Their kiss is slow and languid, the movie long forgotten. 

They only remember that they were supposed to be watching a movie when the credits start to roll. 

“We missed the ending,” Steve says, exaggerating his pout.

Bucky shrugs. “This was a lot better than the last time we saw it.” He kisses Steve’s pout away. He’s awake all of a sudden, every nerve in his body firing in a way he hasn’t felt in a long time. The need to be closer to Steve is becoming overwhelming, so he pulls him in again for another kiss. This time, instead of continuing the slow pace they set earlier, he goes for something more frantic. Steve makes a small surprised sound before getting with the program. He pulls Bucky on top of him, knowing how freaked out Bucky gets when he’s pushed down. 

Steve’s shirt is an inconvenience so it has to go. Bucky tugs at it impatiently until Steve sits up far enough to get it off. He lets his hand run wherever it wants to go, but it’s still not enough. Steve’s hands are everywhere at once, though they steer well clear of his hair. They’d found out the hard way that even a slight tug on his hair was an absolute no-go. 

He feels Steve grow hard underneath him. It’s not the first time that has happened, though neither of them has ever done anything about it. Steve usually gently pushes Bucky off him, and Bucky’s been left wondering whether it’s for his own benefit or for Steve’s. It’s not something they’ve discussed much.

This time, he doesn’t push Bucky away, so he decides to take his chances and grind down on Steve, whose eyes fly open. Before he can say anything, Bucky does it again. This, this he knows how to do. It’s instinct, muscle memory. He fumbles with the strings of Steve’s sweats, until a hand covers his own.

“Buck. Stop.” 

“You don’t want me to?” It’s a legitimate question. They’ve avoided the topic of sex almost entirely. They’d agreed to take it slow and that was about it. If Steve needed more time, he’d stop, no questions asked. This wasn’t even really about him anyway, he just wanted to make Steve feel good.

“No, I do, it’s just, we don’t have to.” 

Bucky leans down to kiss Steve. “I know. I want to.” He kisses down the line of Steve’s jaw and his neck, covers his chest in kisses. Steve makes soft noises underneath him, trying not to sound too eager even though Bucky can feel the nervous excitement thrumming underneath Steve’s skin. He continues to fumble with Steve’s sweats, gives up on getting them off entirely and settles for tugging them down to about halfway down his thigh.

The outline of his hard cock is visible through his underwear and Bucky can’t help but tease a little more. He palms him through his boxers, while Steve keens underneath him. Steve’s hands have wandered down to Bucky’s ass and Bucky desperately needs more contact. He takes his hand off Steve to try and shove his own sweatpants down. As soon as Steve realizes what he’s doing, he helps to tug them down. Bucky decides he’s had enough of teasing and makes quick work of his boxers as well. Steve’s hands are on him almost instantly, one hand going to his cock, the other settling back on his ass. 

“Tell me if it’s too much,” Steve says, before starting to stroke. It’s a featherlight touch and it drives Bucky wild. He can barely remember the last time he was touched like this by someone else. Steve is looking up at him with absolute adoration plain on his face, a flush beginning to spread all the way down his chest. Bucky can’t help but lose himself in the sensations for a while, until he remembers his original plan. 

He tugs Steve’s boxers down just far enough to get his cock out, stroking gently at first, but his patience runs out real quick when Steve moans beautifully underneath him.

“C’mon, sit up, I wanna kiss you,” Bucky says. As soon as Steve is upright, he picks up speed and all but attacks his mouth. He really misses his left arm right now, wanting to pull Steve even closer, but unable to while his one hand is occupied. Steve speeds up his strokes too, letting out suppressed moans in between kisses. He’s fucking up into Bucky’s fist, looking completely helpless.

“Buck, I’m gonna…”

Before he can finish his sentence, Bucky has pushed him onto his back, wanting to see Steve spread out underneath him when he comes. It only takes a few more strokes for Steve to spurt come over his chest and Bucky’s hand. As soon as he’s done, Bucky is on him, kissing him while chasing his own release. 

He almost can’t believe he’s allowed to have this. But Steve is right here, holding him, touching him, pushing him closer to orgasm with every second that passes, all while looking at him like Bucky is his whole world. 

“C’mon Buck, let go,” Steve says softly.

It’s this gentle encouragement, coupled with Steve kissing down his neck that has him coming between their bellies. He collapses on top of Steve, his arm exerted from having to hold up his own weight. Steve’s hands trace lazy patterns on his back, neither of them feeling the need to speak just yet.

If only they could stay like this forever. Bucky is still riding the high of endorphins flooding through his body, feeling lighter than he has in years. Reality will set in soon enough, but until then, he has this moment.

“I love you so much,” Steve says after what could have been an eternity.

“Love you too,” Bucky echoes. 

They lie in silence for a while longer, Bucky almost drifting off to sleep again. At least, until Steve’s voice cuts through his sleepy haze. 

“Should I be worried that you’re this horny after watching _Bambi_?” Steve asks, snickering.

Bucky lifts his head. “Jesus Christ, Rogers. Are you actually _trying_ to spoil this moment?” Steve just laughs harder. He runs his hand through his hair. “For the record, it has more to do with me remembering what you look like in those fucking ridiculous small shirts of yours. Menace to society,” he grumbles.

“Yeah, you’re real broken up about it, I can tell,” Steve says. He gently pushes Bucky up. “C’mon, we should get cleaned up.”

After some more grumbling, Bucky finally gets up, by which time Steve has already gone to the bathroom to get a washcloth and cleans them both. Steve goes back into the bathroom to rinse the washcloth, while Bucky waits for him in the bedroom. 

He stands at the foot of the bed, panic beginning to build. He did not think this through. The memory of their first night in this apartment comes to him in vivid detail. He’d attacked Steve when Steve woke him up from one of his nightmares. He’s a threat to Steve; he shouldn’t be here, he should just leave. How stupid to think he could have this. He doesn’t deserve to have this.

He’s startled out of his thoughts when Steve comes up behind him, puts a hand on his shoulder. “What’s wrong?”

“What if I attack you again?” he blurts out.

Steve comes to stand in front of him. “You don’t have to worry about hurting me. I can take it, if it happens.”

“No, no, no, this is all fucked up.”

“Hey, look. If you wanna go back to your apartment, that’s okay. But you don’t have to for my sake. If you’re gonna have a nightmare, I’d rather be there when it happens. Besides, the way I woke you up that first night was stupid. I know better now.” He gives Bucky _that_ look again, the one that tells him Steve’s not going anywhere, no matter what. He’s reminded of why he wanted to try spending the night in the first place.

“Okay, we can try.” He takes off his sweatpants, preferring to sleep in his boxers in the Wakandan heat. “But no funny business,” he adds, giving Steve a ridiculous wink in an attempt to lighten the mood again.

Steve holds up his hands. “Wouldn’t dare.”

Bucky ends up on his right side, Steve plastered to his back, arm slung over him. It feels safe, Steve’s warmth and weight grounding him. He drifts off to sleep almost immediately, a rarity for him.

It doesn’t stop the nightmares from happening, though. He’s reliving the first time they strapped him to a table, back in ‘43. They injected him with something that made every muscle in his body burn. He’d actually thought he was burning from the inside out. He can’t stop the screams coming out of his mouth. 

Somewhere, he hears a soft voice saying his name over and over, telling him he’s safe, he’s okay. His eyes open. He’s sweating, disoriented, his breathing ragged and uneven. Steve is sitting on the other side of the bed, still telling him he’s okay. 

“Hey,” Steve says, “there you are.” He slowly moves to take Bucky’s hand. “It’s okay, you’re okay.”

He just can’t control his breathing. There doesn’t seem to be enough air. 

“Remember what you used to tell me when I would have trouble breathing?” Steve begins. He moves to put Bucky’s hand on his chest, letting him feel his breaths. “Breathe with me.” 

He remembers this. In for four, hold it for four, out for four counts. He counts each breath in his head, guided by Steve under his hand. Slowly, his heart rate goes down. 

Steve gets him a blanket, sets him down in a chair in the corner while he changes the sheets. When they finally lie down again, Bucky is wide awake. He suspects Steve isn’t going back to sleep any time soon either. “I’m sorry,” he says quietly.

“Nothing to be sorry for,” Steve says firmly, leaving no room for argument. “I’m here, Buck, to the end of the line.”

Despite the lingering guilt he feels about waking Steve up and scaring him, he relaxes in Steve’s arms. He’s okay. 

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi on [tumblr](https://www.hufflepuffbuckybarnes.tumblr.com).


End file.
